L is for Love the One You're With
by IMSLES
Summary: The search for love sends one woman on a tumultous journey. Can she find what her heart is searching for and somehow let go of the past that holds her in its grips? One man may know exactly how she feels.  NFA A-Z and Episode Tag Challenges entry.


DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN NCIS OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS!

WARNING: Contains spoilers for Season Episode 7: Devil's Triangle

L is for Love the One You're With

I couldn't help but notice him every day as he stood in line at the coffee shop. As I sat at my usual table I watched as he somehow managed to dominate the space around us. So much so I hardly knew there was anyone else besides us there.

I never realized he noticed me at all until I found the opportunity to talk to him. I timed my exit to coincide with his. He held the door open for me and I thanked him with a smile.

"What took you so long?" he asked.

I'd never met anyone quite like Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Quite frankly I don't think there is another like him. He had a way of making me feel like we'd known each other all our lives. Unfortunately for me and my heart I didn't realize that what he'd seen in me was someone I could never be.

It's not that he didn't care about me. He showed that in his tenderness, but he could never let go of his past and the family he'd lost. Somehow I came to see myself as the 'other' woman. I was hurt and plotted ways to make Leroy see I was more than a part-time lover.

I'm not proud of how I reacted. There's really no excuse for the pain I'd tried to inflict on him. I wanted him to love me and if I couldn't have that I'd make sure he'd come to hate me.

His obsession with his job provided me ample time to do what I care at home. I started with things that would simply annoy him- enough that he'd confront me about them. I rearranged his tools in the basement, painted the front door read and began to spend money frivolously. He got angry but did little more than growl at me and put his tools back in order. The door he did nothing about and the money he did his best to control.

It only made me more insistent so instead of spending the money I moved it into my own private account. Before I left I came across his grandfather's pocket watch. It was the only thing he had to remember him by, so in spite I packed it away with my belongings. The loss of that watch would force him to think of me whenever he missed it.

There was little passion from him when it came to the divorce. He took my leaving and taking everything as a sort of penance for moving on with his life, if only temporarily.

Our marriage had had its share of volatile moments, so his quiet acceptance was all the more heartbreaking. Granted most of our arguments were me screaming at him and his growling back and escaping to the basement. Words were never his strong suit.

After the divorce papers were signed he simply walked away. He just let me go. He even offered a "Good luck," as he exited the attorney's office. I think that hurt more than the times he'd held me late at night and whispered "Shannon" in his sleep.

As one last jab at his pride I made the move on his friend, Fornell. Tobias had often tried to console me after Leroy and I'd had a falling out. Not one to want to betray a friend's trust he had been merely a neutral party.

Once I was free, I pressed and he fell, despite Leroy's best efforts to warn him off. For a while things were good between Tobias and me. Leroy was still in my heart, but Tobias filled the void in my arms. After we had our daughter, Emily I was consumed with a new kind of love.

Loving her was pure and I put all I had into taking care of her. She filled the hole left when things began to fall apart with her father. Like my ex he was married first to his career. I tried the same tactics to gain back his attention as I had with Leroy, with the same results.

This time instead of packing my bags and leaving, I packed up his things and kicked him out. Unfortunately it couldn't be a clean break. Emily adored her father and I couldn't deny her anything. She was the one person in my life that loved me implicitly.

There had been another man I'd met who told me he loved me. He showered me with attention when I needed it. We'd had to sneak away to the Cayman Islands to see each other, since I was still married to Tobias at the time. I'd covered my goings by saying I was going to my mother's, a place he would never try to get a hold of me.

Victor Sterling had a job he loved with Homeland Security, but not so much that he missed out on living life. He was waiting when my second divorce was finalized, but I needed time for myself.

It was difficult to sort out the things I wanted in life. I'd only ever wanted to be loved, truly loved. Could I love someone, if only because he loved me? Could I put behind me the knowledge that the one my heart belonged to would never love me because his heart belonged to another? Could I find happiness being loved by someone else?

After a few years of stalling I finally agreed to his proposal. As one last hope at shaking Leroy's heart, I invited him and Tobias to the wedding.

They didn't show, but Leroy sent a gift. A waffle iron. A private joke at my expense knowing I'm a lousy cook. It also sent the message loud and clear that he had moved on and wanted me to do so as well.

I began to regret the things I'd done. I'd only hurt myself aggravating Leroy. My callousness hurt Tobias whom I believe had cared about me in a way I couldn't reciprocate.

Victor brought laughter back into my life. His gentle honest loving ways were easy to accept. Though Leroy would never be gone from my heart, I found room for Victor to settle in.

When he went missing I didn't know what to do. I knew the police couldn't help, not until it was too late. Swallowing my pride I called my two exes. Despite their failures as husbands they were overly successful at their jobs.

Sure their first thoughts were that I'd managed to fail again at marriage. I had to make them see that Victor and I had something real.

The evidence they collected made it look like my husband was guilty of murder as well as espionage and terrorism by selling information for making a deadly virus to terrorists. I knew it couldn't be true. The only thing he'd been guilty of was hiding away a few million dollars from me.

Once he was found chained in a cage, I was ready to confront him about not trusting me. His calm words that I didn't have to be worried anymore because he was safe broke through my anger. I had my Victor, the money wasn't important.

That came as quite a shock to the agents I'd once bled dried financially. It wasn't ever about the money. It was taking what they made available to me.

Thankfully they discovered who was behind Victor's kidnapping and the viral threat. Victor was cleared and they saved the day stopping the virus from being set loose on the military heads attending the Army/Navy football game.

I took Victor home and showed him that I did truly love him. I knew the only way to let my past go was to rid myself of the piece of my past I still held onto.

Leroy seemed surprised to see me in his basement again. I was filled with some of that loss as I looked at him. I had to let him be free of me as well.

Wanting to reach out and caress him, but knowing it would do neither of any good I took his hand instead. He looked at me with confusion until I put his grandfather's watch into his hand. He fingered it and looked at me an unspoken question of why. The answer was a difficult one, but one I knew he would understand more than anyone else. I revealed the secret I'd carried with me since I'd met him.

"You're my Shannon," I whispered to him before I turned to the steps and went home. I was now able to go on with my life without him. Maybe one day he'd be able to do the same without the memory of Shannon holding him back. At least that was my newest wish for him.

I lessoned learned from all the heartache is that you can learn to love the one that loves you, even if your first love remains forever in your heart. If I can realize that surely someone as intelligent as an NCIS lead agent can figure it out as well.


End file.
